Memory Lane

I had the most profound trip down Memory Lane last night. 

I've been talking to an old high school boyfriend on Facebook Chat since Monday.  He wasn't just a random boyfriend, he was the ONLY high school boyfriend.  I dated other guys, but he was the one I fell for hard.  We'd been friends for years before we dated, our families took Spring Break trips together, we slept at each others houses, etc...We were pretty inseparable

Shortly before the end of our Junior year, a mutual friend had told me that my boyfriend was spreading a rumor that he had slept with me. Rather than go to my boyfriend and confront him, I got angry.  At prom I barely spoke to him and within a short time I had ended our relationship.  He told me that I basically said "I can't talk to you anymore".  I hurt him, I didn't know it.  I was focusing on self-preservation and not letting someone treating me disrespectfully.

Fast forward seventeen years, holy crap, seventeen years.  We're chatting on Facebook and he makes a comment that he doesn't know what he did to make me angry.  This was such a specific moment in time for me that I'm astounded that he didn't know.  So I tell him and at the same time it's like a light bulb went off for both of us.  He hadn't said anything to anyone.  This mutual friend had been questioning, but he refused to share any details of our personal relationship...the friend however was more interested in me, then being his friend and worked his magic to sabotage our relationship.  It worked. I didn't talk to him for seventeen years because of the lies of another person.

Last night we met in person. We talked over beers and then in his car for over four hours.  We texted until after 1 a.m. It's like the time has fallen away and I have my friend back.  There are amazing memories that I had forgotten until we sat there - They simply came flooding back with our laughter. Seventeen years in a long time.  It was half a lifetime for us. I think we both sat there laughing and wondering where we would have been in our lives if either of us had actually stopped to talk to one another at 17, instead of walking away.

I don't regret any of it, my life is where it is supposed to be, I'm doing exactly what I am destined to do and I'm excited to see why he was brought back in my life at this moment. I am so thankful to have my friend back.

Catching Up...With My Life.

I reread my last post and realize how far I have come in the last few months.  For that I am grateful.

I took a brief sabbatical from Cute Boy, enough to realize what it is about him that I need in my life.  I met a much younger guy and had fun for a few weeks until I realized what is was about him that I didn't need in my life. I took an Improv class and for the first time in my life got up in front of over a hundred people and didn't have a little voice in my head telling me that I was going to fail.  I finally fucking feel like me. Finally.

Christmas was a hard time for me, it always is.  This year was filled with emotions that I didn't know how to control and I spent a lot of time wanting to be curled up in the fetal position. Instead I drank a significant amount of wine.

Both of my younger brothers have announced that their wives are pregnant, due eight weeks apart this summer.  One of them had testicular cancer, had it removed, underwent a round of chemotherapy and then got a clean bill of health. The swing of emotions, on top of the holidays, should have had me admitted to a psych ward.

I did a lot of analyzing and comparing this year to the ones I spent with my ex.  I took Cute Boy to my family Christmas at my parents, as a friend.  As usual, he gets along with everyone.  He makes me laugh.  He made it bearable and for that I am eternally grateful.  He also made me realize that why I want him in my life, because of the simple things.

Let's look at Christmas gifts. In the past I've received gifts that I bought myself or ones that were half assed attempts. For example: I love David Ortiz. I love the Red Sox. I love books.  My ex bought me David Ortiz's book on our last Christmas together.  I am not a fan of sports writing, never have been.

This year, Cute Box bought me a hat and scarf set.  I always wear hats, cute ones, winter ones, baseball ones.  He didn't know that I love scarfs as much as I love hats.  It was a simple present, but it shows he is aware that I wear hats, love hats and went with it.

A side note: The younger guy, he bought me "Year One", used, opened and previous watched from Blockbuster because he thought the Jack Black character would remind me of him.  Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

I feel like I'm on my way to something better. I've stop worrying about where things are going and instead I am trying to have faith that there is something planned for me and I have no control over it.  Whatever happens, happens.

~M