I've got a quandary that I'm trying to figure out about a decision I'm trying to make. It's this type of shit that pops into my heart (I meant head, but I think that may be a Freudian slip I shouldn't change just yet) because I try to balance what I am doing, with what I want from life at the same time I try to make sure I'm not back sliding into bad habits.
Meaning, every time I think I should do something, I ask myself why. Am I doing this because it's the right thing for me? Or am I doing it because it's the easiest path, the one with least resistance? Or because I'm just plain old scared shitless?
I told the Cute Boy earlier in the week that I wasn't going to guilt him anymore. That's a fault of my personality and I don't care for it. I'm not going to beg either. He has my number, he knows where I live, if he wants to spend time with me, I'm here. That was four days ago and I admit, the contact has been less. But it hasn't been non existent. He calls to say hi, he texts, but it is quite different from when I was clinging onto something. But I also feel freer, I'm no longer constantly checking my Blackberry in hopes of a text or call in response to the one I sent. I'm able to focus. I've hung pictures on my wall, I've watched movies, I've done laundry.
So is this good? We've talked many times about how I want a relationship. He's not quite at that point. He says he wants one, just not at this point. I feel like I need to back off, he needs to come into this on his own if he is going to come into it at all. I don't want it any other way.
That being said, I want it, I really do. I've fallen for this Cute Boy. I'm at the point where I want to cut and run. Because he's not there, I feel like no matter what he's never going to be. That my heart is just waiting to be broken, so if I leave now, it will hurt less.
But will it?
So is it worth sticking with this - enjoying whatever fun I have now, living in the moment and handling what ever cards I'm dealt with my big girl panties on when then moment arises? Or do I run? If I run I could just run into something else far less enjoyable and still get hurt. Therein lies the dilemma.
And I don't know. I really don't know. I want to be able to live in the moment, but the pain of the past is bubbling up. I make it thru that once before and I don't want to just keep making it thru. I want something that is going to erase that... that will make me realize that the relationship I had isn't how they're supposed to be. That it was simply a joker in the deck of cards that my life has dealt.
I just don't know my friends. I'm kinda at a standstill. Stay, love, potentially be hurt or run, curl up and protect my already fragile heart?
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
There Are Days When I Hate Being Me.
This is one of them.
The best part about going thru a divorce and being single at 35 is you realize that even though your former partner may have been an absolute douche-bag, you still probably hold about 10% of the blame. You are willing to make the effort to get to know yourself, to be able to internalize, to figure out what the fuck makes you tick.
The worst part about going thu a divorce and being single at 35 is you realizethat even though your former partner may have been an absolute douche-bag this shit and then you fucking beat yourself up repeatedly about it. You let it roll around in your brain and you second guess every interaction you have with another human being, especially those of the opposite sex.
I started writing yesterday about my weakness or rather, my "areas of opportunities" as I prefer to call them and I've really been picking my brain about them a lot lately.
Cute boy made a comment last night that hit home and didn't help with my mental state, even though he was simply being humorous and trying to lighten the mood. His comment, "You've been taking lessons from my mom. You're not going to get me over there with the guilt technique." Or something along those lines.
This made me realize that it is EXACTLY what I do. I guilt people into spending time with me, I do it because somewhere deep down inside I feel like they wouldn't want to be with me for me. Typically this is my M.O. for relationships and I need to stop:
1. I fiercely guard my heart. With my ex-husband I had a 20+ year friendship, we'd dated for 3+ years before he proposed. I had never told him I loved him until the day that he asked me to marry him and when I said the words they felt wierd. I wish I had followed my gut on that one, but the hurt from that relationship almost makes me feel emotionally stunted, like I can't share those words... Oh, how I want to feel so strongly that they just spew like verbal vomit.
2. I am needy. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I need constant reassurance that someone is with me because they want to, yet I never give them the chance to do it. I'm the agressor, making the plans, outing, dates... I need to learn to chill the fuck out. Physically, when I'm having a bad day, human contact soothes me. No, I'm not talking about some naked romp (although that does help), but something as simple as being in the room with someone I care about. No matter my mood, if I even just get on the phone with cute boy, my heart rate slows, my hands settle, my mind calms. He's one of the few people lately that when I spend time with him my mind stops racing... it's kind of a neat phenomenon. Emotionally ranks up there with mentally. I want/need to know I'm important to someone. When I question it, it makes me go off the deep end with doubt. Why would someone like me?
3. I guilt. I do. I wanted him to stay last week, he was tired and wanted to go home. I bribed, I guilted, I threw everything at him. It didn't work, I came inside and he went home. Last night I wanted him to come over, it was nearly midnight, I was drinking, he was dirty from car repairs. I repeated the previous actions and failed. He went home and went to bed. I pouted. I'm starting to think the fact that he doesn't fall for it may actually be a good thing for me. Because if my guilt doesn't work on him, when he does spend time with me it's because he wants to right? (See, I'm a head case.)
So, I question why I put these out there. Maybe a publicly anonymous forum makes admitting them easier. I'm trying to be introspective, because those genetically perfect children aren't going to make themselves and I want to make sure the next time around I find the person that is going to be my partner in this life. I feel like if I don't know myself, I can't really know what I need.
That being said, I have made some huge advances in the last few weeks. I've realized how different this potential relationship is from my marriage and it makes me proud of where I am. It's started with talking and discussions and honesty, even when the things I said weren't easy to admit. I've told him things that could make him turn and walk away, but I've stayed true to myself. I realized that my ex and I never talked about anything. We knew each other for so long before we started dating that we assumed we knew everything and skipped that part. We really knew nothing and if we'd made the effort in the beginning I don't know that we would have even made it to the altar. I'm making choices with myself in mind, my happiness and my future...
It's all baby steps. I just hate the days when the step I make ends up with scuffed knees and ripped jeans.
M
The best part about going thru a divorce and being single at 35 is you realize that even though your former partner may have been an absolute douche-bag, you still probably hold about 10% of the blame. You are willing to make the effort to get to know yourself, to be able to internalize, to figure out what the fuck makes you tick.
The worst part about going thu a divorce and being single at 35 is you realize
I started writing yesterday about my weakness or rather, my "areas of opportunities" as I prefer to call them and I've really been picking my brain about them a lot lately.
Cute boy made a comment last night that hit home and didn't help with my mental state, even though he was simply being humorous and trying to lighten the mood. His comment, "You've been taking lessons from my mom. You're not going to get me over there with the guilt technique." Or something along those lines.
This made me realize that it is EXACTLY what I do. I guilt people into spending time with me, I do it because somewhere deep down inside I feel like they wouldn't want to be with me for me. Typically this is my M.O. for relationships and I need to stop:
1. I fiercely guard my heart. With my ex-husband I had a 20+ year friendship, we'd dated for 3+ years before he proposed. I had never told him I loved him until the day that he asked me to marry him and when I said the words they felt wierd. I wish I had followed my gut on that one, but the hurt from that relationship almost makes me feel emotionally stunted, like I can't share those words... Oh, how I want to feel so strongly that they just spew like verbal vomit.
2. I am needy. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I need constant reassurance that someone is with me because they want to, yet I never give them the chance to do it. I'm the agressor, making the plans, outing, dates... I need to learn to chill the fuck out. Physically, when I'm having a bad day, human contact soothes me. No, I'm not talking about some naked romp (although that does help), but something as simple as being in the room with someone I care about. No matter my mood, if I even just get on the phone with cute boy, my heart rate slows, my hands settle, my mind calms. He's one of the few people lately that when I spend time with him my mind stops racing... it's kind of a neat phenomenon. Emotionally ranks up there with mentally. I want/need to know I'm important to someone. When I question it, it makes me go off the deep end with doubt. Why would someone like me?
3. I guilt. I do. I wanted him to stay last week, he was tired and wanted to go home. I bribed, I guilted, I threw everything at him. It didn't work, I came inside and he went home. Last night I wanted him to come over, it was nearly midnight, I was drinking, he was dirty from car repairs. I repeated the previous actions and failed. He went home and went to bed. I pouted. I'm starting to think the fact that he doesn't fall for it may actually be a good thing for me. Because if my guilt doesn't work on him, when he does spend time with me it's because he wants to right? (See, I'm a head case.)
So, I question why I put these out there. Maybe a publicly anonymous forum makes admitting them easier. I'm trying to be introspective, because those genetically perfect children aren't going to make themselves and I want to make sure the next time around I find the person that is going to be my partner in this life. I feel like if I don't know myself, I can't really know what I need.
That being said, I have made some huge advances in the last few weeks. I've realized how different this potential relationship is from my marriage and it makes me proud of where I am. It's started with talking and discussions and honesty, even when the things I said weren't easy to admit. I've told him things that could make him turn and walk away, but I've stayed true to myself. I realized that my ex and I never talked about anything. We knew each other for so long before we started dating that we assumed we knew everything and skipped that part. We really knew nothing and if we'd made the effort in the beginning I don't know that we would have even made it to the altar. I'm making choices with myself in mind, my happiness and my future...
It's all baby steps. I just hate the days when the step I make ends up with scuffed knees and ripped jeans.
M
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Fucking Ridiculous Life
Yeah, so I'm starting this blog on an evening, when I've had a shitty day and already decided to drink this big ass bottle of wine. That's the best part about being an adult, knowing the repercussions and still doing them. Oh, and remembering that if you eat a sandwich now you'll probably be less sick in the morning.
I'm also drinking the wine out of a rocks glass - it's less likely to get tipped or broken as the bottle gets emptied.
So this blog - my great plan is to share it with some folks from my Tuesday-Night-Kiddo-Is-With-My-Ex group or possibly My-Generation-Can't-Make-It-Past-Five-Years friends... but either way, most of them overlap. Five years seems to be the new seven (as in "seven-year itch" for you slow folks).
Yeah, I'm divorced. Who fucking cares. Am I bitter? Not at the moment. I've actually thought about sending a thank you card to the whore that my ex started sleeping with the week after our third anniversary. It's thanks to their choices that I decided to put myself first and fight for what I've deserved. In the last year and four days since my divorce was filed with the court I've gotten promoted, bought a house and had lots of fucking fun. But, I digress.
I'm 35. My clock is fucking ticking louder than Big Ben. So... yeah, I'm not willing to do that alone. Yet anyway. Jennifer Aniston and J. Lo make it look easy in their movies, but I'm not that stupid. So, the dating game begins.
While the title of this blog is about searching for Mr. Right, it may be kind of misleading. I came up with the idea a month or two ago and since then I've found a cute boy that I kinda really like. But, it's a slow process since it's pretty hard to find a cute boy to spend your future with when they're all either 1). married 2). gay 3). have excessive baggage and been screwed by some stupid bitch who fucked them up for the rest of us who could actually be good for them. That being said, we're not at the point where we've decided that the future is ours. At least not while we're both sober, so technically I am still looking for that one guy who will deal with my issues and love me for me. Oh, and help me produce two genetically perfect children before I hit 40 and my eggs are considered part of the Salmonella recall.
So my flaws. I've got some good ones. I know I do, but after 35 years I've decided that their mine, part of me, for better or for worse and they're not going to go away. I figure a list form is easiest and I reserve the right to add to it as I see fit:
1). I have raging, undiagnosed, unmedicated ADD. It rules my life and some days it's cute, other days it turns me into a raging, homicidial maniac (today - one of those days - I'm medicating with wine). I don't think this is really the number one thing I care for people to know about me, but today it's redunkulous and so here it is, in a position of power.
2). I have about40 60 lbs to lose. I've lost and regained about 30 in the last two years. I have a gut. I'm never going to be the super model and I don't care. I want to lose weight so that I don't lose my breath at embarassing moments, but really - I have great boobs and that gets me far. I can normally distract them with my boobs (hence the title of this blog) and I do have a great ass. It will never be one of those saggy old lady asses. I'm comfortable being me. Although, I would be happy if I had a fairy god mother who could get rid of the gut.
3). I'm a sucker for four legs. I'm a sucker for the under dog. That's why I'm single with two pitbulls and two kittens. I can't imagine not having my animals. My pup, she hates men. I think it's a great test!! The cute boy - he had her giving kisses at the 5 minute mark.
So those are the major ones. There's lots more and I'm sure my friends will chime in and share them with you. They're not shy.
So, here's where I'm gonna end my first post. I'm slightly more than intoxicated. I've asked the cute boy to come over and drink wine with me. I'm forwarding this to a few people who I feel can appreciate this while I stay anonymous for a bit. Enjoy... and cheers.
M
I'm also drinking the wine out of a rocks glass - it's less likely to get tipped or broken as the bottle gets emptied.
So this blog - my great plan is to share it with some folks from my Tuesday-Night-Kiddo-Is-With-My-Ex group or possibly My-Generation-Can't-Make-It-Past-Five-Years friends... but either way, most of them overlap. Five years seems to be the new seven (as in "seven-year itch" for you slow folks).
Yeah, I'm divorced. Who fucking cares. Am I bitter? Not at the moment. I've actually thought about sending a thank you card to the whore that my ex started sleeping with the week after our third anniversary. It's thanks to their choices that I decided to put myself first and fight for what I've deserved. In the last year and four days since my divorce was filed with the court I've gotten promoted, bought a house and had lots of fucking fun. But, I digress.
I'm 35. My clock is fucking ticking louder than Big Ben. So... yeah, I'm not willing to do that alone. Yet anyway. Jennifer Aniston and J. Lo make it look easy in their movies, but I'm not that stupid. So, the dating game begins.
While the title of this blog is about searching for Mr. Right, it may be kind of misleading. I came up with the idea a month or two ago and since then I've found a cute boy that I kinda really like. But, it's a slow process since it's pretty hard to find a cute boy to spend your future with when they're all either 1). married 2). gay 3). have excessive baggage and been screwed by some stupid bitch who fucked them up for the rest of us who could actually be good for them. That being said, we're not at the point where we've decided that the future is ours. At least not while we're both sober, so technically I am still looking for that one guy who will deal with my issues and love me for me. Oh, and help me produce two genetically perfect children before I hit 40 and my eggs are considered part of the Salmonella recall.
So my flaws. I've got some good ones. I know I do, but after 35 years I've decided that their mine, part of me, for better or for worse and they're not going to go away. I figure a list form is easiest and I reserve the right to add to it as I see fit:
1). I have raging, undiagnosed, unmedicated ADD. It rules my life and some days it's cute, other days it turns me into a raging, homicidial maniac (today - one of those days - I'm medicating with wine). I don't think this is really the number one thing I care for people to know about me, but today it's redunkulous and so here it is, in a position of power.
2). I have about
3). I'm a sucker for four legs. I'm a sucker for the under dog. That's why I'm single with two pitbulls and two kittens. I can't imagine not having my animals. My pup, she hates men. I think it's a great test!! The cute boy - he had her giving kisses at the 5 minute mark.
So those are the major ones. There's lots more and I'm sure my friends will chime in and share them with you. They're not shy.
So, here's where I'm gonna end my first post. I'm slightly more than intoxicated. I've asked the cute boy to come over and drink wine with me. I'm forwarding this to a few people who I feel can appreciate this while I stay anonymous for a bit. Enjoy... and cheers.
M
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