Sunday, October 24, 2010

Finding My Way

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  ~Anaïs Nin

This quote pretty much sums up the last few weeks.  I've wanted to post but couldn't find the emotional or mental strength to make the words make sense. 

For several weeks I've really been struggling to self-discover.  I have a vague idea of what I want out of  my life, but I question every step - "Is it something I want for myself, or is it merely something I want to do so I look a certain way to the outside world ?"  This is the question I have struggled with my whole life.  I have always believed I don't care what "the world" thinks of me, but deep down I think I care too much.  Not when it comes to clothes or style or hair, but in the choices I make for my life and where they lead me.  Did I pick the right degree? The right husband? The right job?  I'm starting to realize if I am truly happy, that is all that is going to matter to those that matter to me.

(This is the part where I start tearing up, because even though this is a blog post, sometimes I don't realize these things until my fingers put them on the screen.)

My biggest failure to myself is not being able to put my needs out there, to ask and sometimes demand what I need from others.  Then I struggle when those around me under deliver.  One thing I've learned over the last two years is that I really can't be mad or disappointed with someone if I haven't told them what I need.  We aren't mind readers.  So my goal has been to put myself out there, but that is so much easier said than done.

Therein lies the cause of my funk for the last few weeks and also the resolution of it.  I have needed more from cute boy, I've talked about needing more with my friends, talked about telling him what I needed and then failed miserably when I tried.  While I have this incredible need to be honest, I have this fear of being alone.  I fear if I'm honest, he'll walk away, which honestly, is exactly what I should want him to do if he's not open to listening and discussing these things with me.  So I let it stew inside me until I did something I hate about myself.  I sent a text with my disappointment for him not having made plans to at least see me on one of my days off.  This was a mere three days after we'd had a great night out together.  I was a total crazy girl.

But, it did what I needed it to do, it forced my hand.  Instead of running, he came here.  He forced me to talk.  I told him what I needed, he told me that he still doesn't know where he stands.  We were honest with one another and at this point that is EXACTLY what I need.  I'm okay with him not knowing, I was struggling with feeling like he didn't want to see me, when in reality, he's just dealing with things himself.   I can trust now, that if we go a few days without talking, it's not me...it's just time for me to take advantage of taking care of myself without the distractions of dimples.

So, at this point I'm asking myself, I started this post talking about self-discovery and ended talking about a cute boy.  Seems counter-productive, but it isn't.  Since I was 16, I have never gone more than six months without a boyfriend in my life. Ever.  That's 19 years with constant companionship and not once have I told any of them what I needed until now.  I'm changing the way I work, how my mind processes and trying to teach myself it's okay to ask for what you need and to walk away when you don't get it.  I don't want to walk away from this one, I think he's a keeper (he's the first one that hasn't run from having to "talk" about things) but I am fully prepared to do so if it's not healthy for me.

I have a deadline.  I'm a planner and I know if I don't challenge myself I will sit around waiting for him to make up his mind forever.  I'm worth more than that.

In January I start classes to finish my degree.  Once I complete my Bachelors, I intend to go on for my Masters.  This is something I am doing for me.  To prove that I can finish it.  I need to be able to focus on school and not be distracted by a relationship that I don't feel secure in.  So come January, I either know where I stand here and I am able to focus on school, or I am walking away and eliminating the distraction and focusing on school. 

I know come January that my decision to walk away may change, something may happen that makes me realize I can't put a limit on how quickly the pieces fall into place, but by throwing a time frame out there it allows me to have a check-in to make sure I am where I need to be to succeed.  

I don't know that I have blossomed yet, but I can feel it coming.

M

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