Thursday, September 30, 2010

Life is simple, it's just not easy. ~Author Unknown

I'm at a crossroads in my life. 

I have a cute boy that I really like, but who has said on several occasions that he doesn't know what he's looking for... usually in the sentence just prior to or after he tells me that he likes me.  I spent two years trying to get off the roller coaster that I seem to be back on.   I have on several occasions tried to have a conversation to find out what this is, only to chicken the fuck out or get distracted by his damn blue eyes and dimples.

I've tried to decide what I need to hear him say to be happy and I can't figure it out.  I know I love the way that I feel when I'm with him. I know I'm not needing a label.  I'm not looking to get married or move in together.  I just need to know that we're being honest, that if I'm spending nights, there aren't other girls spending the night too.  I need to know that if this changes, he will tell me.  I'm scared to death that he won't and I'll be blissfully happy and someday he'll call me and say he's not.  My marriage has scarred me.

I told my best friend the other day that when you're hurt the way we've been you get hurt, you have an open wound.  You have people that come into your life and they rip the scab off.  It hurts again and again until someday you meet the one person who is the big dose of Neosporin who makes it heal...You might always have the scar from ripping the scab off over and over, but it doesn't hurt anymore...I need Neosporin.

So the crossroads... I've wanted a child for a long time.  I'm thankful every day that I didn't have one with my ex, but it doesn't make the yearning any easier.  I'm 35 and I know that my days are numbered.  My friends still tell me I have plenty of time, but the medical world says otherwise. 

I'll be 36 in July 2011.  If I am not in a serious, committed relationship by then I am going to take matters into my own hands.  Because, while yes, I want to have a partner, it is not necessary for me to have the child I want.  I'm tired of waiting for men to make a decision so I can make one.   In the next few months I'm going to find the nerve to go talk to the facility, to see what it takes, what the process is and next July, if I'm where I need to be, alone or otherwise, I am going to make a decision about my future and the future of a child.

It feels like a weight off my shoulders, when realistically what I've done is made the decision to make the one biggest decision in my life. I'm ready.

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