Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Catching Up...With My Life.

I reread my last post and realize how far I have come in the last few months.  For that I am grateful.

I took a brief sabbatical from Cute Boy, enough to realize what it is about him that I need in my life.  I met a much younger guy and had fun for a few weeks until I realized what is was about him that I didn't need in my life. I took an Improv class and for the first time in my life got up in front of over a hundred people and didn't have a little voice in my head telling me that I was going to fail.  I finally fucking feel like me. Finally.

Christmas was a hard time for me, it always is.  This year was filled with emotions that I didn't know how to control and I spent a lot of time wanting to be curled up in the fetal position. Instead I drank a significant amount of wine.

Both of my younger brothers have announced that their wives are pregnant, due eight weeks apart this summer.  One of them had testicular cancer, had it removed, underwent a round of chemotherapy and then got a clean bill of health. The swing of emotions, on top of the holidays, should have had me admitted to a psych ward.

I did a lot of analyzing and comparing this year to the ones I spent with my ex.  I took Cute Boy to my family Christmas at my parents, as a friend.  As usual, he gets along with everyone.  He makes me laugh.  He made it bearable and for that I am eternally grateful.  He also made me realize that why I want him in my life, because of the simple things.

Let's look at Christmas gifts. In the past I've received gifts that I bought myself or ones that were half assed attempts. For example: I love David Ortiz. I love the Red Sox. I love books.  My ex bought me David Ortiz's book on our last Christmas together.  I am not a fan of sports writing, never have been.

This year, Cute Box bought me a hat and scarf set.  I always wear hats, cute ones, winter ones, baseball ones.  He didn't know that I love scarfs as much as I love hats.  It was a simple present, but it shows he is aware that I wear hats, love hats and went with it.

A side note: The younger guy, he bought me "Year One", used, opened and previous watched from Blockbuster because he thought the Jack Black character would remind me of him.  Seriously, you can't make this shit up.

I feel like I'm on my way to something better. I've stop worrying about where things are going and instead I am trying to have faith that there is something planned for me and I have no control over it.  Whatever happens, happens.

~M

No comments:

Post a Comment