The Fucking Ridiculous Life

Yeah, so I'm starting this blog on an evening, when I've had a shitty day and already decided to drink this big ass bottle of wine.  That's the best part about being an adult, knowing the repercussions and still doing them.  Oh, and remembering that if you eat a sandwich now you'll probably be less sick in the morning. 

I'm also drinking the wine out of a rocks glass - it's less likely to get tipped or broken as the bottle gets emptied. 

So this blog - my great plan is to share it with some folks from my Tuesday-Night-Kiddo-Is-With-My-Ex group or possibly My-Generation-Can't-Make-It-Past-Five-Years friends... but either way, most of them overlap.  Five years seems to be the new seven (as in "seven-year itch" for you slow folks).

Yeah, I'm divorced.  Who fucking cares.  Am I bitter? Not at the moment.  I've actually thought about sending a thank you card to the whore that my ex started sleeping with the week after our third anniversary. It's thanks to their choices that I decided to put myself first and fight for what I've deserved.  In the last year and four days since my divorce was filed with the court I've gotten promoted, bought a house and had lots of fucking fun.  But, I digress.

I'm 35. My clock is fucking ticking louder than Big Ben. So... yeah, I'm not willing to do that alone.  Yet anyway.  Jennifer Aniston and J. Lo make it look easy in their movies, but I'm not that stupid.  So, the dating game begins.

While the title of this blog is about searching for Mr. Right, it may be kind of misleading.  I came up with the idea a month or two ago and since then I've found a cute boy that I kinda really like.  But, it's a slow process since it's pretty hard to find a cute boy to spend your future with when they're all either 1). married 2). gay 3). have excessive baggage and been screwed by some stupid bitch who fucked them up for the rest of us who could actually be good for them.  That being said, we're not at the point where we've decided that the future is ours. At least not while we're both sober, so technically I am still looking for that one guy who will deal with my issues and love me for me. Oh, and help me produce two genetically perfect children before I hit 40 and my eggs are considered part of the Salmonella recall.

So my flaws.  I've got some good ones.  I know I do, but after 35 years I've decided that their mine, part of me, for better or for worse and they're not going to go away.  I figure a list form is easiest and I reserve the right to add to it as I see fit:

1). I have raging, undiagnosed, unmedicated ADD.  It rules my life and some days it's cute, other days it turns me into a raging, homicidial maniac (today - one of those days - I'm medicating with wine).  I don't think this is really the number one thing I care for people to know about me, but today it's redunkulous and so here it is, in a position of power.

2). I have about 40 60 lbs to lose.  I've lost and regained about 30 in the last two years.  I have a gut.  I'm never going to be the super model and I don't care.  I want to lose weight so that I don't lose my breath at embarassing moments, but really - I have great boobs and that gets me far.  I can normally distract them with my boobs (hence the title of this blog) and I do have a great ass.  It will never be one of those saggy old lady asses.  I'm comfortable being me.  Although, I would be happy if I had a fairy god mother who could get rid of the gut.

3). I'm a sucker for four legs.  I'm a sucker for the under dog.  That's why I'm single with two pitbulls and two kittens.  I can't imagine not having my animals.  My pup, she hates men.  I think it's a great test!!  The cute boy - he had her giving kisses at the 5 minute mark.

So those are the major ones.  There's lots more and I'm sure my friends will chime in and share them with you.  They're not shy. 

So, here's where I'm gonna end my first post.  I'm slightly more than intoxicated.  I've asked the cute boy to come over and drink wine with me.  I'm forwarding this to a few people who I feel can appreciate this while I stay anonymous for a bit.  Enjoy... and cheers.

M