Thursday, September 16, 2010

Online Dating is a Big Fat Fucking Joke...(or is this really my only option?)

So I'm on match.com.  Not that it matters because I never get any emails.  The only people checking out my profile are my stalkers (ie. the ex-husband of the whore that my ex-husband was sleeping with during our marriage) and my friend's soon to be ex.  Really? Those are my options?

The funniest thing on Match is that you have to put your body type, or rather you don't, but I fell like if I left it blank everyone will assume I'm a 300 lb lardass.  So for my profile I selected "Curvy" and "A few extra pounds" because I have both.  Most men on the other hand choose "Athletic and Toned" "Slender" and "About Average".  There choices are made regardless of what they look like.

So for example, here's this hypothetical guy.  Slightly balding, decent shape, horrible grammar, two kids and he's looking for America's Next Top Model.  Hey buddy, I may be your best option.  I'm not a model, but you're even below my radar.

I'm a Match.com snob.  I have some pretty high class restrictions and because of those in one month I've already voided their money back guarantee.  I have to email 5 guys a month to qualify.  I haven't because there haven't been any worth emailing.

Here are the deal breakers for me:
- You have a picture of yourself with out your shirt on, taken on your cell phone, using your bathroom mirror.
- You have shitty grammar or use all capital letters.
- You admit in your profile that you have two children, by two women and you just haven't found the right woman yet.  Um - use a fucking condom, I don't want what you've got.
- You live off the grid and use your entire profile talking about sustainability and being self supportive.  That's great, but I like reality tv.
- You specifically mention not drinking. I like wine. I will not give it up for you or any other penis.
- You talk about your daily reading of the Bible.  That's great, but um, have you not realized that my favorite word is "fuck"?

So those are just a few, I also won't consider guys from certain towns, just because of the stigma that goes with them. 

So yeah, I'm a snob.  I have virtually eliminated every guy in the Match.com dating pool for one reason or another.  I am destined to be single forever or the one "perfect" guy I decide to go on a date with will end up being the reincarnate of Ted Bundy.  That would be my luck.

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