There Are Days When I Hate Being Me.

This is one of them. 

The best part about going thru a divorce and being single at 35 is you realize that even though your former partner may have been an absolute douche-bag, you still probably hold about 10% of the blame.  You are willing to make the effort to get to know yourself, to be able to internalize, to figure out what the fuck makes you tick.

The worst part about going thu a divorce and being single at 35 is you realize that even though your former partner may have been an absolute douche-bag this shit and then you fucking beat yourself up repeatedly about it.  You let it roll around in your brain and you second guess every interaction you have with another human being, especially those of the opposite sex.

I started writing yesterday about my weakness or rather, my "areas of opportunities" as I prefer to call them and I've really been picking my brain about them a lot lately. 

Cute boy made a comment last night that hit home and didn't help with my mental state, even though he was simply being humorous and trying to lighten the mood.  His comment, "You've been taking lessons from my mom.  You're not going to get me over there with the guilt technique." Or something along those lines.

This made me realize that it is EXACTLY what I do.  I guilt people into spending time with me, I do it because somewhere deep down inside I feel like they wouldn't want to be with me for me.  Typically this is my M.O. for relationships and I need to stop:

1. I fiercely guard my heart.  With my ex-husband I had a 20+ year friendship, we'd dated for 3+ years before he proposed.  I had never told him I loved him until the day that he asked me to marry him and when I said the words they felt wierd.  I wish I had followed my gut on that one, but the hurt from that relationship almost makes me feel emotionally stunted, like I can't share those words... Oh, how I want to feel so strongly that they just spew like verbal vomit.

2. I am needy.  Mentally, physically, emotionally.  I need constant reassurance that someone is with me because they want to, yet I never give them the chance to do it.  I'm the agressor, making the plans, outing, dates... I need to learn to chill the fuck out.  Physically, when I'm having a bad day, human contact soothes me.  No, I'm not talking about some naked romp (although that does help), but something as simple as being in the room with someone I care about.  No matter my mood, if I even just get on the phone with cute boy, my heart rate slows, my hands settle, my mind calms.  He's one of the few people lately that when I spend time with him my mind stops racing... it's kind of a neat phenomenon.  Emotionally ranks up there with mentally.  I want/need to know I'm important to someone.  When I question it, it makes me go off the deep end with doubt.  Why would someone like me?

3. I guilt.  I do.  I wanted him to stay last week, he was tired and wanted to go home.  I bribed, I guilted, I threw everything at him.  It didn't work, I came inside and he went home.  Last night I wanted him to come over, it was nearly midnight, I was drinking, he was dirty from car repairs.  I repeated the previous actions and failed.  He went home and went to bed. I pouted.  I'm starting to think the fact that he doesn't fall for it may actually be a good thing for me.  Because if my guilt doesn't work on him, when he does spend time with me it's because he wants to right? (See, I'm a head case.)

So, I question why I put these out there. Maybe a publicly anonymous forum makes admitting them easier.  I'm trying to be introspective, because those genetically perfect children aren't going to make themselves and I want to make sure the next time around I find the person that is going to be my partner in this life.  I feel like if I don't know myself, I can't really know what I need. 

That being said, I have made some huge advances in the last few weeks.  I've realized how different this potential relationship is from my marriage and it makes me proud of where I am.  It's started with talking and discussions and honesty, even when the things I said weren't easy to admit.  I've told him things that could make him turn and walk away, but I've stayed true to myself.    I realized that my ex and I never talked about anything.  We knew each other for so long before we started dating that we assumed we knew everything and skipped that part.  We really knew nothing and if we'd made the effort in the beginning I don't know that we would have even made it to the altar.  I'm making choices with myself in mind, my happiness and my future...

It's all baby steps.  I just hate the days when the step I make ends up with scuffed knees and ripped jeans.

M